Exodus 20:13 gives a simple command with layers of implications in the context of Scripture. “You shall not murder,” demands that society punish legally provable murderers with death, and, more deeply yet, that believers pull murder, roots and all, from their souls.
I’ve been serving the Lord as a full-fledged “I’ve accepted Jesus into my heart” disciple for 51 years (1972-2023). I was baptized in the Holy Spirit and called into full-time ministry 40 years ago this month (August 1983-August, 2023). I have waged war against my own propensity to “anger” for the whole of it. It has not been a fruitless fight, for I have grown a lot in this area, but neither is it a finished fight.
I call anger, “the monochromatic blaze of multispectral injury.” (Because I like big words.) Sometimes what’s being injured needs to be injured to provoke personal growth, but anger is still a response to that pain or fear of that pain. That pain may be caused by jealousy (feeling threatened in who you are or what you have), or envy (wanting what someone else has), frustration (the distance between wanting and having), greed (the hunger to have), disappointment (not getting what you want to have), hurt feelings, wounded pride, fear of loss, confusion, guilt… get the idea of multispectral yet?
Women, it seems, tend to have more sensitivity to their own emotional landscape than men do, though they too need to master their emotions and understand what is actually driving their desire to poison their husband’s meatloaf. Men are often insensible to the subtle details behind their anger; they might not even be able to tell you why they are angry. This lack of introspection may serve them well when defending against invading hoards or combing the country side for tasty critters to feed their families (after their wives have cooked them up in a light garlic butter sauce, naturally), but it is less helpful in coping with the civic duties of not fist fighting with strangers and being attuned the emotional needs of their loved ones.
So here is tip #1: Guys tend to be good at compartmentalizing feelings from tasks, so setting myself the task of understanding my anger when it starts to rise or when it delays in abating gives me something intentional to do. For Example: “My feelings are hurt because I want this person to love me with all their heart, but they seem to be showing contempt for me.” This puts the whole matter in another perspective. “Dearest One, I love you with the red hot passion of a thousand suns, but when you did this, it hurt me, because I felt unloved.” This does far more good than my more Neanderthal reactions. You can fill in all the blanks for your own situation.
Several years back, my window for seeing a particular film was short. My third child, my sweet Tigger of a girl, asked if I could pick up her friend and take them both to her house near the theater. Her friend delayed and delayed and delayed. I found my temper rising. I didn’t want to miss my movie. I was curt with them both. When we hit traffic, my anxiety started to rise exponentially. I began to bicker at these kids for their inconsiderate treatment of my time. And just when I was really ready to let ‘em have it… I saw myself. I call it “God turning a mirror on me.” Was a stupid movie really worth all this anger, all this turmoil? I apologized to them and explained my frustration. I took them out for ice cream before dropping them off and heading home smiles all around.
Tip #2: When you feel yourself getting worked up. Stop and ask yourself, “Is this issue, really so important that it is worth the emotional trauma that my anger is causing?” “Can my anger fix this?” 999 times out of 1000, the answer should be NO! Ah! But stopping. There’s the rub. Ask God for help.
Everything between point A and point B feels to me like a waste of time.
Tip #3: In terms of driving, pursuing personal development through books or courses on tape (Tape? How old am I?) has helped with time frustrations on the road. Delays are often nothing more to me now than a few more chapters or another lecture.
Still, people who get in my way when I am pursuing point B, can easily become an object for my anger, even if only internally. Why won’t they just get out of my way! Why can’t they just do their JOB!!!
Tip #4: I’ve developed the habit of telling myself, “People are NOT an obstacle to my purpose. In Christ, they ARE my purpose.” It is surprisingly shaming and immensely helpful.
On to road rage. I am forgiving of unintentional flubs. I am annoyed by slowness. I am provoked by stupidity. Drivers who show disdain for the impact that their driving has on others, however, really burn my bonnet. I become overwhelmed with such righteous indignation (not necessarily shared by the Lord, Himself, mind you) that I know that I must punish them. My older brother helped me out here.
Tip #5: From my brother, Greg: “When someone does something that really gets me angry on the road. I ask myself to recall a time where I, for one reason or another, did something just as stupid to someone else.” This is better than waving at other drivers with fewer fingers than a good Christian should, and it cools the spirit with a form of self-compassion extended to someone else.
There are times to be righteously angry. Our own anger seldom earns that label. Whatever your poison when it comes to wrath, it is important to address it in the Lord, for He has called His children to be instruments of His love in the world. ~Andrew D. Sargent, PhD
